Stress Level, Rising…

June 29, 2010 at 9:52 pm (Hate!, Life, Random)

It’s been a pretty low key boring day until a few moments ago. I am just so annoyed so I am going to take a breath, collect my thoughts and write. Because this is my blog and I should be able to express myself as freely as I can and not hold back save for when I wish too. (This isn’t one of those times..)

*deep breath in, deep breath out*

Here we go…


Last night I really didn’t get very much sleep and it’s made today seem longer than most days actually are. But all day I’ve been nagged by my passive aggressive bitch of a mother. ‘When are you going to get your GED, When are you going to get a job, When are you going to do something with your life…’ and on and on..

Just a few minutes ago she came into the kitchen where I am, where the computer is, starts slamming dishes putting them away just because I hadn’t done it yet. Then gets some cake and say in a bitch tone, ‘When are you going to get your GED’, once again. I gave an answer that I really didn’t mean and she left the room with her cake before slamming and locking her door.

I know that I’ve stated over and over again that I want to get my GED but I want to get it for me! For that fact that I want it, not because I am being forced to get it just so I can get a job and have all of my money taken by that woman.

I’ve been doing classes every Thrusday, but no that means nothing, that I wish to be fully prepared so I only have to take this test once and be done with it, as I suck royally in math.

Just.. she pisses me off. She is the one unemployed right now and yes I should feel something towards her but I don’t anymore. She bitches, she yells, looks as if she is slipping back into the phase where I might be hit for one wrong movement. Rather than look for jobs, she’s always on the computer which I need to state for the record is actually mine, my computer. She’s always on bitching, reading articles, checking for free stuff online rather than doing one thing alone, look for a job and only do that one thing.

We all know that I used to be on the computer all the time but I really haven’t been for almost 2 months but now I am back… I do my things, blog, write, apply for jobs on my own but do I get credit no. I am screamed at…. I clean, I cook, I watch my daughter when she’s home from school, she’s only there 4 hours a day.. I wash clothes.. But can I for a moment have time to myself.. no.. only when she was working and I could pick up kiddo come home and bliss out to Grey’s Anatomy while kiddo took her nap.

I refuse to get my GED just because I’ve disappointed you so much with my pathetic excuse of a life.It’s suppose to be for me, not for ‘me’ but the money goes straight to you…

I….

‘ran away’ (She kicked me out the second day of my senior year, so I left the state, went to ‘husband’ and got married against better judgment on my part’

never finished school. I was suppose to be the first who went to college and stayed there, even after being told I have to pay for all of it myself.

got pregnant. I remember when I called her to tell her.. ‘What, why weren’t you using BC’ That hurt quite a bit…

moved back to Missouri, because of the issues I was having with my MIL. Because oh she’ll help out my daughter who ‘didn’t ask to be brought into this world’ but no, you.. I would have left you there to deal with what you got yourself into..

oh because I cry when she yelled at me. ‘You have depression, go deal with that’ No I cry because she guilt trips like no other, she’s passive aggressive but no I am crazy and a liar for saying such a thing about my mother..

Oh my mother who told me when I was thirteen I believe, ‘I could have had an abortion but ‘I’ choose to have you. ‘I’ wanted you..’ and this was during and screaming session at me because I wasn’t doing homework and was failing in school, a talk about her, all about her while she was crying.

I am so sick of this, really I am.

What I really want, a divorce and to never see ‘husband’ again unless it’s when he’s picking up kiddo for the weekend or something and to cut off most contact with my mother. She’s like this cancer deep inside..

Someone told me I am always negative and when you look at her, it’s hard to see how I could be positive in this life…

I don’t want to be her, but each day more of myself is dying on the inside..


Fuck this. I am going on a trip before the end of this year if I can help it, I want to disappear, pretend that I am someone else for just a few days, by myself.. with no one from STL. no one, just friends in other places..

*sighs*

I’ll make this private tomorrow or something.. or before I go to bed watch..

I just want it to all go away…


§

~Silver~

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Another Night, But All The Same….

June 28, 2010 at 12:08 am (Hate!, Life, Random)

So it’s another night but ll of the normal things are upon my mind, mainly sex.

I don’t know what has turned me into this sexual creature suddenly, all I want is one good mind blowing fuck and then I could be good for either two months or a week. I mean come on I’ve got to get some sort of relief here soon.. or I am going to go even madder than I already am(was).

On a note that is related to sex, I started birth control today (haven’t been on BC since what 6 weeks after having kiddo, what almost 4 years ago now. Was lazy and never got the scripts filled..), because let’s face it. If by some chance I get some sort of action from anyone then, let’s not add a child to the mix when I am in the middle of getting things final to serve papers, because that would turn into a huge clusterfuck and you all know it! I’m not going to lie to myself about that one, it would be a world full of shit..

Also a side note, condoms just kinda suck all the way around.. Don’t people like the feeling of a man, like a man’s man… who wants to stop during foreplay, to slip off and get a condom or roll to the side to get a condom and put it on.. Tell me of one person who hasn’t had that wish at least once in their lives!

Anyways I leave you with lyrics.. It’s all that I can do..

Also, sick of being this wet 24/7, come on showers and stuff are suppose to take the edge off but wtf it’s doing nothing but making me need/want things even more.. fuck the female body, I want to find the off switch for at least one day.. *mutters*

§

~Silver~


“Ring-A-Ling”

[Will.I.Am:]
Ring ring ring, hello hello hello.
Dam dam.
Ring ring ring, hello hello hello.
Dam dam.

Yo my phone go ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling.

Hello hello hello hello hello.
Then the girls want ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling.

Dam dam dang a lang.
My phone go ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling.

Hello hello hello hello hello.
Cause the girls want ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling.
Dam dam dang a lang.

Ring a ling a ling, who calling king.
Some lil’ queen need a full arm sting.
Early in da morn for a little fling fling.
Girl I ain’t nothing but a thing thing thing.
Baby don’t cling cling to a man.
If you need the boom boom stick to the plan.
I’ll meet you in the room soon so we ding a ling again.
Give it to you baby I’m your lover lover man.

Get ready for you know what.
Food (no)
Food (no)
Drinks (no)
Sex (yes)
If freak is freaky then freaky
I’m a get. love you like youven never been loved like this.
Cause I oh I, I got something for ya, baby.

[Fergie:]
Honey I, oh I, I got something for ya, baby.
Cause if I’m calling at 2 in the mornin’ it only means one thing,
Baby.

[Will.I.Am:]
Cause my phone go ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling.

Hello hello hello hello hello.
Then the girls want ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling.

Dam dam dang a lang.
Wonder I wonder, whos calling whos calling,
This early this early early I wonder what they want.
At 4 in the morning.

[Apl.De.Ap:]
Ring a ling a ling a whos calling.
My phone so late in the morning.
Pick it up pick it up no warning.
I’m a answer the phone for she on it.
Yeah yeah yeah I want it late at night tip bang
U could go get right, get right long as the heads right.
Me and you in the whip of the red light.
So put it all over me, all over me.
Tell me where you wanna go tell me how you wanna feel.
Baby we could do it fast baby we can do it slow.
Tell me where you wanna go tell me where you wanna be.
Yeah and I hope that it’s next to me.
U don’t wanna have sex with me, then why you keep texting me.
Alright I’m a hit you back later.

[Fergie:]
Honey I, oh I, I got something for ya, baby.
Cause if I’m calling at 2 in the mornin’ it only means one thing,
Baby.

[Will.I.Am:]
Then my phone go ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling.

Hello hello hello hello hello.
Then the girls want ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling.

Dam dam dang a lang.
My phone go ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling a ling ling,
Ring a ling a ling ling, ring a ling.

Hello hello hello hello hello.
Then the girls want ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling a ling ling,
Ding a ling a ling ling, ding a ling.
Dam dam dang a lang.

And I, oh I got something for ya, baby.
Cause if you calling at 2 in the morning it only
Means one thing, booty call! boo boo boo booty call!
Boo boo booty call! boo boo booty call! boo boo booty call!
Boo boo booty call! boo boo booty call!

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Labels or Love….?

June 27, 2010 at 2:59 pm (Life)

So it’s Sunday and this weekend has been unlike my new normal weekends, normally spent going out Saturday night until the early morning. The last two weeks, I’ve been home and it seems that it’s going to stay that way for the foreseeable future…

So since I’ve had nothing to do other than watch television and read, my mind has been on over load which explains why I am suddenly online once again and appear alive to the online crowd. I do apologize for disappearing, I was just trying to be myself within the real world for a while, we see that blew up in my face so.. yea..

So last night I caught the end of ‘Sex in the City’, the movie. During the credits, I heard a song which had a good enough beat. It’s been in my head all day so I suppose I will annoy people with it here as well at the end of this random post.

I really need.. ugh… Stupid dreams…


Anyways.. Here Enjoy until I am back writing another blog later tonight..


§

~Silver~

“Labels Or Love”

Shopping for labels, shopping for love
Manolo and Louis, it’s all I’m thinking of
Shopping for labels, shopping for love
1, 2
Manolo and Louis, it’s all I’m thinking of
1, 2, 3 Turn the lights on.

I already know what my addiction is
I be looking for labels, I ain’t looking for love
I shop for purses while love walks out the door
Don’t cry, buy a bag and get over it
And, I’m not concerned with all the politics
It’s a lot of men I know I could find another.

What I know is that I’m always happy when I walk out the store, store
I’m guessing Supercalifragi-sexy, nothing to be playing with
I love him, hate him, kiss him, diss him, tryna to walk a mile in my kicks

[Chorus]
Love’s like a runway but which one do I love more?
No emotional baggage, just big bags filled with Dior
Love’s like a runway, so what’s all the fussing for?
Let’s stop chasing them boys and shop some more.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, Turn the lights on.

I know I might come off as negative
I be looking for labels, I ain’t looking for love
Relationships are often so hard to tame
A Prada dress has never broken my heart before
And, ballin’s something that I’m fed up with
I’mma do the damn thing, watch me do the damn thing
Cause I know that my credit card will help me put out the flames
I’m guessing Supercalifragi-sexy, nothing to be playing with
I love him, hate him, kiss him, diss him, tryna to walk a mile in my kicks

[Chorus]
Love’s like a runway but which one do I love more?
No emotional baggage, just big bags filled with Dior
Love’s like a runway, so what’s all the fussing for?
Let’s stop chasing them boys and shop some more.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, Turn the lights on.

Gucci, Fendi, Prada purses, purchasing them finer things
Men they come a dime a dozen, just give me them diamond rings
I’m into a lot of bling, Cadillac, Chanel and Coach
Fellas boast but they can’t really handle my female approach
Buying things is hard to say
Rocking Christian Audigier, Manolo, Polo, taking photos in my Cartier
So we can’t go all the way, I know you might hate it but
I’m a shop for labels while them ladies lay and wait for love

[Chorus]
Love’s like a runway but which one do I love more?
No emotional baggage, just big bags filled with Dior
Love’s like a runway, so what’s all the fussing for?
Let’s stop chasing them boys and shop some more.
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, Turn the lights on.

Shopping for labels, shopping for love
Manolo and Louis, it’s all I’m thinking of
Shopping for labels, shopping for love
1, 2
Manolo and Louis, it’s all I’m thinking of
1, 2, 3 Turn the lights on


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Silver & Many Thoughts

June 26, 2010 at 9:31 pm (Friendship, Life, Random)

Today I realized something and I don’t know if that’s even a good thing or not at this current moment in time. I used to be bitter and withdrawn for one reason and now I am just bitter and jealous. Yes I am jealous… I always prided myself on not being one of those people in public yet in private I could be as jealous as I wanted to be. Always able to pretend save for during the worst of days, that everything was fine, everything was ok and nothing could be wrong. Now I see that all that I was doing to myself was giving petty reasons, half assed excuses to not try and make something of this one life given to me.

I know that this might be a bit of a jump but this is what is currently on my mind.

I’m tired of playing coy, of trying to be the one who keeps herself always in check always on guard. I’ve let my guard down and that has led me to the current situation that I currently find myself within. (I will not share with the whole world.) I did something for myself yet I still feel so broken on the inside.

On the other side of it I am jealous, jealous and paranoid. Those two things when working together can do quite a number on a person’s mind. Make them feel as if they are not good enough, make them question everything and anything. It also makes them back away, away from many things. Ends up turning things back into a neutral friend zone, the zone where you can speak openly about sex but never partake in it’s glory.

I know someone who I am jealous of, always jealous of. It’s nothing about their life or how things are going for them, save for in the way of sex…

I swear these people, (so not trying to be racists or anything of that sort, so stop there if you think that I am going there!) they are the people I wish I could be. So open about everything, not held back by thoughts or cares about what other people think. They just, as spoken by one of them to me before, ‘We hold our freak flag high’.

I want to be them.. I want to experience something that I’ve wanted for such a long time yet no one has really given to me. Perhaps deep down I want someone to love, someone to care but right at this moment in time. I just want someone to come and fuck my brains out. Is that really such a bad thing to ask; ‘Hey you come here and just fuck me until I can’t walk straight and let me stay here for a day or three until I can walk again, Thanks..’

Really does it have to be that hard…

I think that I am lonely but I doubt it, I just want to have passionate, mind blowing, toe curling, Pull my hair, spank my ass, Make me call you Master or Daddy kind of sex…

I’ve been made into some kind of sex fiend.. It’s all I dream about now, stupid sex.. How to try and get sex, having great sex, talking about sex.. always about sex.. and I am tired of it. I wouldn’t mind so much if I was getting any but guess what I am not!!!

I need a vacation from stupid men, Italian Momma’s Boys, Niggas Who Can’t Make Up Their Minds, Friends Who Don’t Get It and My Stupid Family…

A vacation filled with sex, poptarts, pancakes, Asian food and sleep.. That would be lovely..

God.. Now I am just depressed…

§

~Silver~

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I’m Alive….!

June 26, 2010 at 10:14 am (Life, Random)

So yes I am alive and well. Just haven’t been blogging since before the end of March on wordpress and since last November; 8 months since I even looked at live journal.

So.. what has been going on..

Well.. My birthday went well enough. Reconnected with old friends and other people. Been drinking twice with the last two months.. Umm and.. not much else other than getting my ducks in a row for divorce.. So yea..

I’m alive.. and breathing for now..

Maybe I’ll write more later.. Maybe Not…

Maybe I’ll call Kazae and bother him…

Since no one reads this junk anymore..


§


~Silver~

P.S. I keep having dreams I am being used like a lush little whore.. maybe I should call Kazae after all.. *sighs*

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Just Random..

March 22, 2010 at 12:28 pm (Life, Random)

I know that I haven’t blogged in a bit now and I apologize for that, whoever actually reads this petty little thing. There have been a few things going on.

My cousin died last week so I have a funeral to attend on Thursday. Wednesday, I need to go get my hair done for Thursday.

A few birthdays are this week and my own birthday is next Friday! Next Friday, I can’t believe it’s actually a bit more than a week away now, kinda sneaked up on me this time around. Trying to figure out what to do since it’s like close to a weekend for once. Maybe I’ll figure something out.

Oh and NaNoWriMo is doing something new with screen plays, trying to figure out if I should do it or not, maybe if I had a co-writer or something..

So not much going on but a bit going on at the same time.

Till next time..


§

~Silver~



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Kiss Me?

March 5, 2010 at 4:24 pm (Love)

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It’s Never Easy Is It..?

February 26, 2010 at 11:11 am (Life, Roleplaying)

It’s never easy to go back to something that was once done with great joy and meaning is it, not after you stayed away from it for such a long time.  Right now that’s how I am feeling, having the itch to write stories again but not knowing how to go about it nor how to go about searching from them once again. Yes I know I’ve updated my list of ideas and have been open to messages and what not but what about beyond that…

I just want to write.. should it actually be this freaking hard to find someone willing to write with me, willing to give me just a chance to build upon my skills..

At least I have one story going on else where…but I would like more.. and like someone to get a happy chill reading my ideas..

Is that too much to ask?


§

~Silver~

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Something That Moved Me Quite A Bit

February 24, 2010 at 12:07 pm (Elliquiy, Life)

Alright I haven’t written a blog about deep thoughts of mine in quite sometime.

I have been avoiding most of the roleplaying sites that I am a member of due to feelings of not being welcomed and some issues which came into light about myself during the spring/summer of 2009. Best to say some issues are taken care of now and others haven’t even had the surface scratched as of yet.

I came across something last night on Elliquiy, after I finally caved and took a look around which I haven’t done in months.

I’ve gotten permission from Rider of Wind, to post what she had written here on my own blog.

—–

A Note on Negativity

“The more you think of the bad things, dwell on them, huddle the horror, the sorrow and the pain around you, the more it’s going to hurt and the longer it’s going to affect you. Sometimes, you can’t help it. Life sucks. And bad things are going to happen to you. Bad days are going to occur. But that doesn’t mean that -you- have to be the bad in these bad times.

Change your thinking. Try to notice when everything in your brain is about all the shit that’s happening. More forward, find solutions. Don’t make every situation a be-all-end-all thing. There’s many ways for things to happen, be open to all of them and try to find the best way.

Everything can change. Everything has to change, or it will stagnate and grow rancid. The same applies to everyone. When negativity is a loop in someone’s head, they aren’t accepting new things, they aren’t finding new ways to grow and mature and learn. They’re dwelling. Rotting on the inside.

I realize that pain has to run it’s course, it isn’t just gone when you start thinking about butterflies and lollipops. Time can help with that. It’s the only thing that can, on occasion. The hardest thing is to accept what is happening, to embrace whatever sucky thing it is. And you have to intelligently analyze your own emotions and figure what needs to be done, what needs to be changed, what needs to be understood before you can move on.

Now, accepting responsibility is a whole other ballgame. Quit blaming the world for your problems. For the mess you have put yourself in. Realize when whatever crap is happening is your fault. And if you’re on the other side of the spectrum on that, quit beating yourself up over it and fucking fix it. Thinking, “Oh God, I’m going to fail this test, it’s impossible!” is going to gear you up towards failure, calm down and think a little more positive, “This is a difficult test but I’ve been to every class and I understand this and this and I’ve got a  decent time to study for it. I can do this!” And if you know you’re gonna fail because you chose to have behaviors that don’t lead to academic success then that’s your own damn fault, isn’t it?

Figure out what the problem is. If all you’re doing is sighing and moaning over the problem, then you aren’t looking for the solution(s) to it. Sometimes, the problem is you. Now, I’m not dissing on a good venting, because it can be helpful to regaining control of yourself and gathering thoughts and just plain feel good. But it doesn’t get you over the incident or solve the problem. Vent, then fix. Don’t obsess.

And don’t give other people control over you. Others don’t ‘push your buttons’, you’ve surrendered them that power. Take it back. Take a card from the Jedi book, anger and hate lead you to the Dark Side because you’re no longer driving the bus, your emotions are.  As I’ve said before, emotions happen, but start looking at yourself and noticing why and how. And change it.

You can’t be happy if all you’re doing is being angry all day or wallowing in fear and sadness. Change and find a way to be happy. Find a way to be successful in your own life.

On a side note: Politeness, kindness and just being -nice- will get you very far in this world. And it will at least make you feel like a good person. Smile at the nice lady brewing your coffee, even (especially!) if she’s your wife. Hold the door that extra second longer for the person behind you. Say thank you to everyone for every little thing. And apologize all the time; for the little things and the big things. An “I’m sorry.” might seem unnecessary for bumping into someone but say it anyway, it only takes a second and it can pave the road a little smoother between yourself and another.”


—-

Now here are my thoughts on what she said, with applying them to my own life.


The more you think of the bad things, dwell on them, huddle the horror, the sorrow and the pain around you, the more it’s going to hurt and the longer it’s going to affect you. Sometimes, you can’t help it. Life sucks. And bad things are going to happen to you. Bad days are going to occur. But that doesn’t mean that -you- have to be the bad in these bad times.

Change your thinking. Try to notice when everything in your brain is about all the shit that’s happening. More forward, find solutions. Don’t make every situation a be-all-end-all thing. There’s many ways for things to happen, be open to all of them and try to find the best way.

Everyone know that I am a negative person, it really should be something that someone is super proud of but I am at times. Because it makes me different in someway, makes me feel like I am not just another person who can easily be forgotten.

I dwell on things, I dwell on things a lot. How things could have been different, how things should have been. How I was hurt, How People have wronged me, How people just don’t understand me. How I feel attacked and etc.

The point is that what she wrote is correct, the longer you dwell upon it the longer you are going to hurt. The hurt is going to turn into pure anger causing a person to not even think about the actions that they are taking. Everything will be done in the name of ‘Revenge’ if you want to be plain honest about it.


Everything can change. Everything has to change, or it will stagnate and grow rancid. The same applies to everyone. When negativity is a loop in someone’s head, they aren’t accepting new things, they aren’t finding new ways to grow and mature and learn. They’re dwelling. Rotting on the inside.

If the mindset isn’t changed then this will be a on-going cycle that will only end badly. Then you begin to thing about it more, digging yourself into a even deeper hole, wanting to prove others wrong, wanting to make everyone else feel as you do. Then you do something and it blow up in your face.
I should know as I’ve lost friends and friendships due to the mindset. I’ve also made it so that people who have not even met me, spoken to me at least once not wish to get to know me as a person but rather go off of things that have been said about me.  And yes as hurt as I might be, I have to realize that it is my fault for not thinking before acting as one action can stay with you for a lifetime.


I realize that pain has to run it’s course, it isn’t just gone when you start thinking about butterflies and lollipops. Time can help with that. It’s the only thing that can, on occasion. The hardest thing is to accept what is happening, to embrace whatever sucky thing it is. And you have to intelligently analyze your own emotions and figure what needs to be done, what needs to be changed, what needs to be understood before you can move on.

I know that don’t embrace things, I don’t accept what is happening or what has happend.  I may analyze my emotions and begin to get over whatever is happening but then I take two steps backwards and get into the mindset of blaming everyone else, wanting to get back at everyone else. Acting as if I have changed just so I can get close enough to try and hurt someone in the way that they have hurt me. That I’ve done a few times. it’s odd as sometimes I’ll do that and others I’ll actually try to change and then something sets me off and the cycle begins all over again.


Now, accepting responsibility is a whole other ballgame. Quit blaming the world for your problems. For the mess you have put yourself in. Realize when whatever crap is happening is your fault. And if you’re on the other side of the spectrum on that, quit beating yourself up over it and fucking fix it. Thinking, “Oh God, I’m going to fail this test, it’s impossible!” is going to gear you up towards failure, calm down and think a little more positive, “This is a difficult test but I’ve been to every class and I understand this and this and I’ve got a  decent time to study for it. I can do this!” And if you know you’re gonna fail because you chose to have behaviors that don’t lead to academic success then that’s your own damn fault, isn’t it?

Figure out what the problem is. If all you’re doing is sighing and moaning over the problem, then you aren’t looking for the solution(s) to it. Sometimes, the problem is you. Now, I’m not dissing on a good venting, because it can be helpful to regaining control of yourself and gathering thoughts and just plain feel good. But it doesn’t get you over the incident or solve the problem. Vent, then fix. Don’t obsess.

I don’t accept responsibility for some of my actions, I blame others because it takes two to tango as the saying goes. It’s easier to blame them then to stand back and take a look at myself, for then that means you have to go and fix myself. I vent, I moan about the issues wanting support or just wanting someone to listen but never looking for a solution by myself. Venting at times can help a person get a clearer view of things but at times for me it just makes matters worse. As then I begin to obsess, trying to figure out how to fix or how to get pay back but never how it is my fault.


And don’t give other people control over you. Others don’t ‘push your buttons’, you’ve surrendered them that power. Take it back. Take a card from the Jedi book, anger and hate lead you to the Dark Side because you’re no longer driving the bus, your emotions are.  As I’ve said before, emotions happen, but start looking at yourself and noticing why and how. And change it.

You can’t be happy if all you’re doing is being angry all day or wallowing in fear and sadness. Change and find a way to be happy. Find a way to be successful in your own life.

I hand over my power to others all the time, I surrender myself and my self esteem to others. It’s odd how I can feel so hurt over words that are written out on a screen, the person might be real but it’s not always ‘real life’, if that makes any sense. I do nothing about this other than let it happen over and over again, that isn’t very healthy at all. I know that I haven’t been happy in at least over a year due to things like this, left in a depression or feeling that the world is out to get me without changing myself. Sometimes it’s hard for a person to admit that they need to change themselves, but sometimes they just can’t do it on their own. I am admitting it, isn’t that the first step to admitting that I have issues..?


On a side note: Politeness, kindness and just being -nice- will get you very far in this world. And it will at least make you feel like a good person. Smile at the nice lady brewing your coffee, even (especially!) if she’s your wife. Hold the door that extra second longer for the person behind you. Say thank you to everyone for every little thing. And apologize all the time; for the little things and the big things. An “I’m sorry.” might seem unnecessary for bumping into someone but say it anyway, it only takes a second and it can pave the road a little smoother between yourself and another.

I do these things to be nice, but I also do them to be well liked. It might sound wrong but I feel that I need to be accepted by every single person. But I say that ‘I’m sorry’ all of the time it annoys people but that’s not me being fake but the way that I am, guarded. So unwilling to trust others as I’ve been hurt so many times, most times by my own doing.

It’s odd how a person can be quiet and polite as I am and then turn into some type of monster when anger and hurt takes over. I don’t want to be seen that way, a nice person who turns into this depressed, angry, needy pathetic bitch. I would rather be a Conundrum always hiding their feelings just so that I don’t lose anymore people in my life. I have so few friends left, that I don’t know what I would do if all were suddenly gone and I was left to deal with all that I’ve done to drive all away.. I know that this make no sense at all but it’s what I think and feel.

—–

I don’t even know what to do anymore. So badly I want to make amends with some people but I don’t want to turn into something that isn’t true to myself.. Great now I am feeling lost, depressed and so alone in this moment..


§

~Silver~

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I am Alive..

February 23, 2010 at 11:04 pm (Life)

Yes I am alive, no I haven’t been blogging much at all anymore or really speaking to very many people, such is life at times.

Happy Birthday to K, not to be mistaken with K2 who is nicer.

Anyways here’s my new favorite song to enjoy, the song that I want to be my birthday theme song..

Enjoy.

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